" A lot of the time, people think I’m strange. I’ve been told so and sometimes this worries or upsets me. Well the truth is just that, I must be strange, but it may be because I don’t trust you, or particularly have any reason to like you. I don’t hate you, but you frighten me. I can feel it, and I don’t focus too well on what is socially acceptable, just the anxiety telling me that you’re judging me. That you dislike me, or that you think I’m stupid. And I want all to prove you wrong, but then realize that there’s really no need. I’m coy about everything I’m good at, and underneath I’m really narcissistic. Then underneath that, a lack of esteem and yet a perfectionist. Extremely self-critical, where it’ll cripple me and I’ll lose hope. It can seem needy for attention or some kind of positive response. It’s really not though, it’s just all my effort. I like response or affirmation, otherwise I’m lost about how it really is, if it’s even worth continuing. But people usually don’t know this, I don’t like to be seen as anything but full of myself. Otherwise people will think I’m shy and not interesting. So I sit quiet, and watch what makes everyone smile. What makes them laugh. That way I can continue to live so peacefully with myself yet partake in the smiling and laughing. However, the anxiety just can’t leave me alone, because what if I’m reading everyone and everything entirely wrong. Sometimes I feel like this is my facade, but it’s always been this way. This must really be me, and it doesn’t feel strange at all. But you all make me feel crazy, even though you’re not saying anything about it or even speaking to me. That’s just it though, you’re not speaking to me. "http://4w5.livejournal.com (via trademydimwitsinfortips)
This scares the actual fucking life out of me.